Saturday 16 November 2019

Where to next?? Where have I been?

Two plus years since I last took the time to put my thoughts to paper, as it were. I haven't had the mind space to stop and compose but today I'm having a bonus day off and have been doing some things I haven't done in a long time.
January 2017 saw us in the middle of Jeff's battle with Hogdkins lymphoma. He and I were spending every other Friday in the cancer ward while they pumped him full of poisons that were designed to help. We'd been on that track since the previous August and Jeff was getting worn down.The emotional toll on both of us was high. At this point Jeff is healthy and continues to be clear of the cancer. The emotional toll still lingers in both of us.
Jessica had made it through a very difficult pregnancy that also exacted an emotional toll, this time on our whole household as she was living with us at the time. It's only in hindsight do we see how tough that time was. The sheer joy of that is my fabulous Jakers. If any kid has a mind of his own it's him. Now two years later we await the birth of my second grandson in a much happier and content place. Jess has been able to control the health issues this time and although the baby is affecting her mobility everything is going well. Calvin ( or as I call him Jonathan Livingston Seagull) will arrive mid-January.
I think I lost the ability to express my thoughts back then because the reality was I was an emotional mess. As the person who is seen as being able to deal with everything that's what I had to do. Aside from my sounding boards Dayle and Brenda no one bothered to check in on how all this sturm and drang was affecting me. In reality I ran out of resources. Personally during this time I was working in a job I loved but, as it turned out, as a temporary manager. I had ressurected the business at this store and had it humming along only to find out that the manager who had been off on leave for two years was coming back. I spent the fall of that year not only worrying about and caring for Jess and Jeff but also worrying about if I would have a job at Christmas. I didn't.
Once off work I decided to take a break and not rush back to work only to find that I accepted a new job and started back to work beginning of February. My first 6 months in this position were horrible. It took forever to get the staff to trust me and for me to understand the business. When we finally got rid of an extremely bad apple that September did things fall in to place. I'm heading in to my two year anniversary here and it's the first time in a long career where my knowledge and experience are actually valued. It's exhausting but never boring.
So, what you may be saying did I do today that sent me back here. Well, I went to a Christmas bazaar at the seniors' home down the street. Being in retail I'm generally working weekends in November and December. This week I got a free day I didn't plan and it's bazaar day all over the place.I had lunch in the tearoom and it brought back such a strong wave of nostalgia. When Mom was alive my kids and I would help out at the tea and bazaar at her seniors' home. Sitting there in the tearoom today I realised that I really missed this. I still have twangs in my belly as I write that pop up every now and then. This time ten years ago I was cringing every time the phone rang because mom's health was failing and as her caregiver I was the one they called. I had just gotten her back to her apartment after a month long hospital run that pretty much did her in. She was so weaken by this point that, quite frankly, I wondered which call would be the last.I was trying to run the house, run a store and be there for Mom.
Ten years later that time is as clear as day for me, just as, two years later, Jeff's chemo is still so clear.
Sitting there today made me realise I need to stop avoiding things that bring back the pain. I had one of the residents pull up a chair to chat with me and it reminded me that I enjoy this stuff. So, on my way out I volunteered to help out at their future Teas. I stopped being brave ten years ago. Don't know if people noticed but I know it. I've carried on, I've survived but I haven't been the fearless thing I used to be. Maybe this is a baby step back to that.
At the end of September a bunch of us got together to celebrate being 60 years on this planet. It was lovely. People I literally hadn't seen since high school showed up and we were all so glad to see each other. It was a bit nerve racking planning to go even though there were certain people I really wanted to see ( Norm, Arne ) but once we were all there it just worked! I've even gotten some cookie business from these lovely people, thank you so much.
So, as my blog says where to next? Right now I'm recreating my craft room in a bigger space and really thinking about and planning it. I want the space to give me inspiration and joy so I'm curating the things that will go in there.
Christmas baking is under way, the infamous red sweater is almost done and I'm now thinking ahead to Christmas. The family isn't in the best place right now so I'm not sure what Christmas will look like this year. But I'm determined to enjoy it anyway.